.276 | to Meghan, from Meghan

I’m not someone who looks in the mirror and generally likes what they see. And I don’t write that to make anyone sad or to have someone jump to the rescue, reassuring me of the beauty they see in me. It’s just a fact. I honestly can’t remember a time before I became self conscious about my body. It feels like an ever-present state of being, a dull hum in the back of my head that I can often tune out throughout the day but will be there whenever I tune back in. Given all this, you might imagine my surprise when, when Brian emailed asking me to contribute to his grate|full project, the first thing that popped into my head was to write about how grateful I am to my body.

This past year has been scary. There have been so many unknowns, so much uncertainty, and the fear of death and dying has never before felt so present and palpable. But here I am, 14 months after we entered our first COVID-19 lockdown, vaccinated, healthy, and filled with so much gratitude to my body for carrying me to this point.

I want to take a moment to acknowledge how lucky I am to be able to write that paragraph. It is not lost on me that this has been a year of tremendous heartbreak and loss for too many, myself and my family included. Nor is it lost on me the privilege I have which makes this pandemic the first time I’ve ever felt the reality of death lurking around each corner. To those of you for whom this is not a shared reality, I see you. My deepest wish as we emerge from our COVID cocoons is that we all continue putting in the meaningful work to change that.

Becoming cognizant of the fact my response to Brian’s prompt was going to turn into a thank you note to my body made me suddenly hyper-aware of all that my body does for me throughout a given day. I started to notice every little thing – how smooth my keyboard feels beneath my fingers; how wonderful it is to walk by a bakery and smell the sweet scent of cupcakes wafting through the air, even through my double-layer mask; the way I know my eyes light up when I smile at a dear friend; how fortunate I am to have legs, lungs, and a heart that carry me through a run in the fresh air and sunshine. And, of course, the wide array of thoughts always came back to all that my body did to keep me safe through this past year – my hands that washed each other thoroughly and diligently; my brain that silently recited a favorite Shakespeare monologue I knew was 20 seconds long so I could time my hand washing appropriately; my stress response which kept me vigilant and safe; and my immune system for working overtime and adapting to some software updates provided by Moderna.

As I started to notice and name each thing about my body I was grateful for, the negative thoughts faded further and further into the background. And that mindfulness, active appreciation, and vulnerability… isn’t that what gratitude is all about? So I’m going to try and keep this up, replacing how mean I can be to myself about myself with much more positive and productive thoughts. Maybe I didn’t like how my stomach or my arm or my face looked at that angle in that photo but WOW am I grateful to be able to share a meal with friends once more; hug a loved one I haven’t seen in over a year and a half; and smile my wide, toothy, emphatic smile at you.